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Farewell to Arkansas St

Let’s be honest with ourselves for a second, we both know a lot of the reason I chose to live here was proximity to Mariposa. But that didn’t stop you from loving me.

You saw me through the fuck yous. When I threw it all away be myself again. You were a calm, quiet, sunny place to rebuild myself. We bought furniture and art together. Within your walls I remembered who I was underneath the thick layers of 10 years spent pretending.

You saw me through the highs. The warm midday slumber parties. The drunken Christmas afterparty when all we owned was an air mattress. Kissing in the dirty hallway in front of a false mirror. Hopelessly full of hope that things might work out for me. Waking up to a wonderful sunbeam and a leaf in my bed. Countless orders of chicken from the awkwardly far away place.

You saw me through the lows. The countless teary goodbyes followed by the countless inevitable hellos. The nights spent imagining them together, feeling unexplainably inadequate. Failing at an unfair task, that I gave myself, hopelessly perusing an impossible outcome. Selfishly using others to hide from my grief. Making mistakes I will always regret.

You got to know her almost as well as I did. The grief of a relationship is a difficult thing because you can’t lean on the only other person who understands the pain you are going through. You were the closest thing I had to someone who understood.

When it was all over you held me tight, kept me warm. When I couldn’t sleep in our bed you laid your floor out for me. When I stumbled home, blacked out again, you didn’t judge me. You were the closest friend I had through this. I know I made it through because of your shelter and support, and for that I will always be thankful.

I need to move on now and that means letting you go. Like a shared friend caught in the crossfire of a broken relationship. You don’t deserve this, but spending time with you brings back haunting memories I can’t quite shake. Our relationship never really existed without her in it, and right I don’t have the strength to build a new one with you.

Thank you so much, and Good Luck 💝